24 March 2010, (Wed)
11.14pm
This morning, mum received a shocking news from my uncle. He told her my Cousin-in-Law no longer around, disappeared. My mum questioned him what do he meant by disappeared - "gone"?? My uncle replied "Yes, gone". My mum was hanging out clothes to dry during the conversation, she was confused even more when heard my uncle's reply. So she started to raise her voice, "what? where she gone to? what are you trying to say?" This time my uncle answered "She gone to the place you know where..." My mum was shocked & found it unbelievable so she started to panic & hang up my uncle's call stating that my uncle made a joke out of her.
My mum then, called my 2nd cousin to verify the news. However my 2nd cousin doesn't knew about it in the beginning, then she got to confirm the news again from my uncle that my cousin-in-law was really gone. Right then, my 1st cousin also got to know the sad news from his father who was my uncle. As for my mum she confirmed the truth from my 1st cousin & 2nd cousin at the same time. My 1st cousin rushed home immediately upon hearing the breaking facts.
I woke up startled when I heard my mum over her conversation with my relatives, informing them about the depressing news. My mum said her legs felt wobbly thereafter. I broke into tears & sat on the sofa. My mind's whirling & I felt dizzy as I couldn't digest the news. I don't believe it in my heart but my mind clearly reminded me that's the truth. I must learn to accept whether or not. My mind's in a blank after crying. I knew I had to follow my mum to my uncle's house to verify the whole thing myself.
My mum was trying to hope for that all these were just a prank hopefully, we know it's called self-deceiving. But how are we coping the news in such an early morning. It was too much to bear even if it's for anyone else. I was scared, I wouldn't want to see a cold body..I was predicting if she's still alive & smiling at us when we arrive at my uncle's place as she always did.
My mum reached my uncle's house first while I was next after her arrival. My mum didn't went into my cousin-in-law's room I thought as I saw her crying on the sofa. She probably might only have a view while my auntie opened the door for her, so she only saw my cousin-in-law lying on bed from her doorway view. I was eager to see my cousin-in-law, but no one came out of the room. I was at my uncle's living room upon arrival. My auntie & mum were sobbing while my little cousin-niece was playing by herself, once in a while happily climbing onto my auntie's thighs to hug. She was only 2yrs+ going to be 3yrs old this year.
I felt a tinge of sadness within me, once again I cried. This time, I really cried along with the rest of them - my mum, my auntie, my little cousin-niece (as she saw us crying she followed).
She was too young to know what happened & why we were sobbing. I realize I didn't have the courage to step up & walked towards my cousin-in-law's room as I used to do so. I'm sad.
A few minutes passed by, there's someone knocking on the main door. My auntie stood up & opened the door and there was my cousin-in-law's boss. He was informed by my cousin that his wife passed away in the morning. By the way, my cousin & my uncle went to a nearby police station to report the death of a close one at that time. The Boss, then went to my cousin-in-law's room as my auntie led the way. He turned the doorknob & saw a lifeless body lying on the bed, he cried loudly & he took a few steps ahead to go near my cousin-in-law to shake her body. He shook as he shouted her name a few times..for he knew there won't be any response from her, he stopped. My mum & I saw the scene & broke into tears again.
I stand by the doorway, my eyes becomes watery once again. I cried silently, tears flowed non-stop no matter how much I tried to control. I made my steps towards my cousin-in-law lifeless body, there she was lying so still. She seemed to have fallen into a deep long sleep to me, the sunlight rays shone over her body just like the morning sun has just greeted her dear warmly. A tinge of sadness followed by heartbrokeness filled me up, my face was wet again. Unable to relate any words out of my mouth, I kept silently still beside her bending over her bed to watch her facial expression. It was devastating.
She wore a white t-shirt & a half transparent pink long pants to sleep the other night which made her undergarments visible. Slowly, my 2nd cousin arrived at the house. She stepped into the room & sobbed loudly, grabbing my cousin-in-law by her shoulders while mourning by her name. I tried to console by calming her shaky body down, realizing it was too hard for all of us to cool down we left the room sadly. My 2nd cousin then covered the blanket over my cousin-in-law's legs. Somehow, I managed to pull up her blanket to cover her exposed lower bottom body.
At that very moment I took another look at my cousin-in-law again, I missed her so much. Never in my life I felt so heartbroken, though I once did when my dear grandpa passed away 15 years ago. I really hoped all these was only a bad dream & I can make it go away once I woke up.
Kind of self-deceiving I know, but how can I accept the fact. I tried to digest the news quickly but unable to accept the truth easily. I controlled myself from becoming a crybaby, I used all my might & determination to stop myself from the overflowing of tears. I clean my face till it dry up. Being clear-minded, half strongwill, I withhold my emotions strongly. I have to do it, I can't cry infront of my 1st cousin. He will be even sadder then, he had suffered much already from the loss of his dear wife all of a sudden. He was the last person to have talked & saw my cousin-in-law before her death. He slept with her day by day, side by side. He smiled at her, talked to her alot, but now he can only watched her body without a soul in her. A dear wife, lovely mate, great mother, good daughter-in-law was gone! Everyone were distress, all of us missed & mourned over her dismiss. "She's gone, but never left us." - that's my final conclusion, my perspective.
8th April 2010 (Thurs)
1:57am
A 5 days wake ended on the 28th March 2010, we sadly sent her off to another world. Though we never did cried for the past few days & tried to get over it, but on the 2nd last night we no longer can withstand. We cried & shouted to her while burning her belongings & incense papers to her. So much words wanted to tell her, so much things I wanna do with her. I can no longer do it. I used all my strength & for the last time shouted her name & asking her to come & get her belongings & money to the netherworld. On the last day of the wake, all of us were exhausted, heartbroken..we have to sent her last journey. That was all we could do for her, my eyes were swollen & looked blu-black as I didn't rest well for the past few days. Many nights went by like time can fly. It was the last day we saw her body being cremated..I have to control my tears just like the other days. Harder than expected but I somehow did it, I still will feel my tears in my eyes. For a moment, I really thought I'm cold-blooded. But it was untrue, I wasn't at all without feelings. I can feel my tears flowing inside me, on the exterior I looked okay & cool..but only I knew myself how (sadly)心酸 I'm going through all the time. I must learn to let go, move on with my life. Only then I can finally feel slightly better, able to sleep in those sleepless nights. Sometimes self-deceiving can be nice.
I started to count & take note of the days passed, as I start asking myself aimlessly. Why Time passed so quick? Why the past seems like only happened yesterday so vividly in my mind?
I'm very very sad, heartache.....
I'm always thinking, since I felt this way...how about the feelings of my cousins, auntie, uncle? "Terribly hurts" was the words to describe.
How to stop thinking about my cousin-in-law & continue with our lives? I can feel her presence even till now, like she never did left. She still remains in my memories, her shadows are among us. Whenever I looked out of my window, I can see the building where she worked, the street where she always walked by, her home where we always go to and most of all the void-deck where we'd be sitting around a round table & chairs to chit-chat for hours.
All these are unavoidable places where we always will pass by. Gosh! The thought of it makes my tears appear again. Sometimes, I'd thought of her when I'm on bus or train, looking out of the window I'd think of her time after time again till I cried & felt tired after so.
I was pondering, wondering, reminiscing our memories we'd had spent together as a family/relatives. I missed those happy times though it was somehow short-span (短暂).
Many of us (relatives), were feeling sorry (惋惜) about cousin-in-law's sudden departure. It was Fated (so-called her "life") that what has had happened. However, I'd not agree with their sayings. I understand by thinking in such a way may result that "IT" cannot be changed/reverse. Time still keeps going on, nothing can stop. Even death also can't be prevented if it meant to be Fatefully Fate. Who wants this to be a Fated life if Life is known to be control by ourselves? Don't people says: "Fate/Life is controlled by our own hands"?!
Why has it to be like this? Is sleeping death consider a good way to leave the world like that? Was it something "good" out of all "bad"?? Some people does commented like this. People do say "DEATH is not so bad after all, as you can leave your shell behind & free your soul"...how sad!!!
I dun wanna believe in death can bring real happiness. I'd know the concept & meaning of it.
It was Tough to be strong. Difficult to be forgetting. Hard to be in control.
To my dearest Cousin-In-Law,
"Time wasn't an Issue once, but it was my Problem to Trouble since."
Author, little cousin ~*~Violice Neo~*~
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